PACS Sponsors a Workshop by Dr. Ken Gates at the Upper School

Dr. Gates began by reviewing several familiar points, beginning with self-esteem. He noted that self-esteem comes from an individual’s own sense of “caring and competency”. The caring starts within the family, then expands to teachers and friends. As children are given opportunities to give to and care for others and subsequently receive praise for their efforts, their feelings of self-esteem and competency develop.

Dr. Gates also reviewed Social Learning Theory and three types of individuals:

1) The typical person: normal social behavior is acquired through through observation, modeling, instruction and naturally occurring consequences,
2) The motivationally dependent person: normal social behavior is acquired through explicit and systematic consequences such as rewards and to a lesser degree, punishments,
3) The atypical person: normal behavior is not fully internalized and not maintained by typical consequences.

When discussing discipline, Dr. Gates reminded parents of the 2:1 rule – give two positive comments to every one negative. When using punishment to arrive at desirable behavior, take away something that doesn’t affect an individual’s self-esteem. For example, if a child loves karate and it is her/his only outside activity, rather than punish by taking away the karate class, take away the TV or internet instead.

An important part of a parent’s self-preservation is a happy, well disciplined child. Such a child has a strong sense of attachment and belonging; a sense of purpose and recognition for achievement; enjoys active play, recreation, physical fitness and rest. Other important elements include spirituality or a cause that transcends self, and a sense of security and optimism.

Dr. Gates discussed parenting pitfalls which often lead to stress for both parent and child. He included such pitfalls as denial, abandonment and expectation of miracles. Dr. Gates advised parents to "know your child, love and accept them for who they are – for weaknesses as well as their strengths." Enabling, ‘catastrophizing’, shame and blame, parental polarization and getting stuck in a rut will all work against a healthy parent child relationship.

A successful parent/child relationship can be achieved by fostering self-awareness, productivity, perseverance, appropriate goal setting, effective use of social support systems, emotional stability and coping strategies. Other factors not to be discounted are: IQ, academic skills, vocational training, job coaches and luck!

The evening closed with a discussion of the skills needed to be mastered in high school, which include setting realistic goals, strong time management and study skills, establishing a healthy lifestyle and developing independence.

Dr. Gates recommends the following books, which are also on CD:
Driven to Distraction: Hallowell and Ratey
Delivered from Distraction: Hallowell and Ratey
Healing ADD: Amen
Healing Anxiety and Depression: Amen
Authentic Happiness: Seligman

Dr. Gates speaks frequently on the issues of children and adolescents. He is the former school psychologist for the Mendham Township school district and has a private practice in Randolph, NJ. He is shown here with Dawn DeSimone who helped schedule the event.